Some people just don’t know very much.
I was at the gym the other day, working on my free throws, when I overheard these kids talking about Candace Parker.
They were scrolling on social media and one of them asked the other one who Parker was.
“I don’t know dude. I don’t watch WNBA.”
“I don’t too. But it looks like she was pretty good. She just retired.”
I was so irritated by their conversation and their high-pitched, prepubescent voices that I had to jump. I just had to.
”How do you kids not know who Candace Parker is?” I screamed. “She’s one of the greatest WNBA players -no, one of the greatest basketball players- to play the game.”
”Whoa, calm down, mister,” one of them squeaked.
”No. No, I will not,” I responded. “I am going to educate you peasants today. Candace Parker was skilled. She was able to do everything on the court. She was a 3-time rebounding leader, an assists leader and a Defensive Player of the Year.”
”Um, can we leave now?” one of the kids asked.
”No! Additionally, she was a 10-time All-WNBA player, 2-time All-Defensive player, 7-time WNBA All-Star -one of which she was the MVP- 2-time WNBA MVP, 3-time champion, and 2-time Finals MVP.”
”Oh, and she was also the 2008 Rookie of the Year.”
”How’d you know that,” I asked.
”I read it off of her Wiki page. Wait, did you just memorize her Wiki page?”
”What! No! Why would you think that?”
”Because we’re on the Wiki page right now and you just listed her entire career highlights and awards. Have you even seen her play?”
”Wow. You’re a loser, Mister,” the other kid chuckled.
“What, wait, no… I’m… not.”
One of the kids walked up to me and patted my shoulder.
”There, there.”
With my head (and guard) down, the other kid snuck up on me and kicked me in the shin.
”Ow!” I crumbled to the ground.
Then the two kids skipped away to the other side of the court, laughing at my misery.
I sat there alone, in an existential crisis.
”Am I a loser?” I thought to myself.
All of a sudden, the lights shut off. People turned their heads every which way, trying to figure out what was going on.
“Alright, everyone. The gym’s closed,” a worker yelled. “Pack up. We’ll be open again tomorrow.”
I gathered my things and went home to my cozy basement suite in my mom’s house.
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